How I Win As A Woman In Poker

Gender is real. And we’re not raised the same. Boy children get to aggress and play with guns and make war. Girl children get to nurture and play with dolls and make families. Simplistic but useful. In the context of competition, internalized norms and learned social rules can hinder female poker players who play live cash—unless we colonize those rules and make them ours.

Aggression

We hear it over and over. Winning poker is aggressive poker. But for many women it’s a learned skill.

When not in a hand, I’m gregarious and affectionate. Smiles aside, a corporate colleague once aptly called out my “inner assassin.” In the heat of poker battle this is now my natural state. Unlike poker pro Chris Ferguson, I don’t mind taking a friend’s stack. Cause she’ll take mine in a heartbeat. But my willingness to crush doesn’t (so far) express itself in hyper-aggressive betting, masculine chip towers, or ego-influenced revenge betting. When the competitive switch in me flips, I grow Phil Ivey-quiet. I answer no questions. I nurture no one. Most opponents don’t see this coming. (Pro Tommy Angelo has remarkable things to say about the necessity of silence and how we can aggregate that power to our gain).

When the competitive switch in me flips, I grow Phil Ivey-quiet. I answer no questions. I nurture no one.

Aggression comes in many styles. Consider whom to model. And how to hone your forceful betting action into tactical play. I don’t aggress for it’s own sake. Or enter a hand simply to dominate. You can target a weak player skillfully. But it doesn’t have to be personal.

Top of the list, unlike a contest of wills, bluffing is structural—the game’s essential connective tissue that brings our value bets to life. When I run a bluff it’s organic. Of the moment. Also consider Ed Miller’s outstanding advice regarding playing the “course” that opponents lay before you.

Human physiology is at play. As women, we’re not programmed into combat so of course we err at times on the side of passive. But “studied aggression” gives us a different kind of control over our game. With a greater emotional precision we can decide for ourselves how, and if, to strike.

Rebellion

If a woman can fly into space or run a nation, why is she still on a diet? Societal pressures remain. Yet despite a tsunami of “stay invisible” messages across my lifetime, I somehow woke up one morning feeling entitled to a mentor. To learn. To proudly enter a poker constellation fiercely devoted to men and youth.

When I was still playing micro-stakes tournaments and free pub poker in New York City, I engaged three-time WSOP champion Matt Matros to coach me for a game to which I was mysteriously in thrall. I still marvel at how seriously Matt took me. How conscientious a coach he is to this day. How far out of my pay grade he was teaching me from the first conversation. For starters, it took me months to integrate his starting-hand recommendations. Luckily my patience is all over my learning process.

When women see themselves victorious and train well, two things happen. They give themselves agency in a male field. More, they can manipulate every expectation of so-called risk-averse, tight female card habits. (Am I really never playing suited connectors from the blinds or bluffing 58% of my c-bets or floating 27% of my opponents’ flop bets or using timing signatures to fake my fear?)

Insight

The stories of brainy girl teenagers giving up their smarts for a boy’s approval are legend. How women claim their intellect is as relevant as ever.

In my case I’m addicted to learning. Many $1-$2 and $2-$5 male opponents seem “uncurious” and feel they know quite enough. Casino grinders and pro-hopefuls aside, rec players in the main don’t care about winning. They crave fun. Their strategy gaze doesn’t extend beyond their own cards and standard inquiries about flopped hand equities, coin flips, and shoving draws.

The game is exquisite in a complexity that many don’t investigate. There’s a reason Hold ‘Em is like chess. Champion Jennifer Shahade learned not to give male players power. When a man is aggressive (even someone on a pro track) I no longer assume it represents talent or skill or serious play. And when I run effective counter-strategies, my deep knowledge base gives me tremendous edge. I don’t advertise that base and few expect it. Your study will ripple in unexpected ways.

Passivity

Women are deeply socialized into passive-aggressive behavior. I buy that. And use it. It’s what I know and right now in my game it’s often where I’m comfortable. And a lot of men can’t read it.

Sometimes I’m just playing a LAG well (as many women do). Letting him be in charge. Not flexing muscle or outing my hand strength by check raising. I’m always on the look out for value. But I sometimes nab that value indirectly.

Genius poker minds suggest letting the turn and river be our friend. If we have a hand worth anything at all, get to the river and realize that worth. This is anathema to a lot of male players who are terrified of someone drawing or sucking out. They shut hands down early by compulsively shoving. A methodical style can get a woman to the river—and to profit—more often.

Instinct

Sometimes old-fashioned ideas that persist through the ages are, well, true. I used to dismiss “women’s intuition.” But as I master it, I now trust my perception of a split-second hesitation when a man reaches for chips. The way his voice betrays his cards when he bets. Trained from birth to focus on “others,” I see things. I monitor. I calibrate. I use my eyes aggressively. When as women we honor that authentic inner voice—not a voice men are trained to nurture—we make superior decisions. We can exploit the “outward glancing” that burdens femininity and win more.

Kindness

There are countless pros out there with countless ways of being. We all have our favorites. For me, it’s usually about decency. A sweet guy at a recent game said to me, “We played together a year ago and I loved your energy and it was great having you at the table.” Best of all, I win as a woman by treating players with heartfelt respect. By losing hands graciously. By bringing truckloads of that (dang) female nurture to a beguiling, merciless sport.